For You

Chains

I cry because of you
but I don’t cry for you
it would do no good

I cry because of you
your words pierced
my already broken heart
your hands crippled
my already wounded soul

I cry because of you
but I don’t cry for you
it would serve no purpose

I cry because of you
you wanted to know
where all my scars came from…
of those who had abused
abandoned
and caused such deep wounds

I let you into those dark places
to see the heartache
and fear inside of me
I opened up my heart
to trust you

I cry because of you
but I don’t cry for you

How could I?

I cry because of you
you pretended to care
you offered safety
and help

I cry because of you
because even though you knew
how much I was already broken
you planned and schemed
and plotted to wound me too

How could you?

I cry because of you
you sent me into exile
you traumatized
my already traumatized life

I cry because of you
but I don’t cry for you
what good would it do?

You would have to have a heart
and a conscience and a soul
Hell
Hell was made for you!

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29 thoughts on “For You

  1. I feel your deep anger in this. I am angry for you too! One thing I struggle so much with sometimes is thinking badly of my perpetrators or labeling them as evil. Like that somehow makes me a bad personal for even having those negative or very real feelings or thoughts. Who am I to think hell was made for someone…maybe it was made for me! Can you hear the wounded fearful child in this who’s been told over and over how amazing and good my abusers are? I am frustrated that no one sees or knows like I do. This opened something up in me. I am still afraid and protecting them. You are right….what good does it do?!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do understand very much what you are saying. I am surprised I was able to say this. I think reading “In Sheep’s Clothing” changed something for me. It helped me to see myself and my dysfunctional thinking about them… always being drawn in to feel sorry for them… protecting them. I also have had some VERY triggering experiences this week that let me see how much in denial and in a state of avoidance of my own pain that I live in. I have measured how well I am doing by whether anyone can see my pain… as long as I can hide it well and no one can see, then “I am fine.” So then I don’t even realize that I am in the midst of a panic attack until it is too late. I don’t want to live in reality, reality is too painful. I fear that for someone to know me means they will hurt me. I am terrified of going to the dentist or doctors so I can’t take care of myself. I think I am angry in how much the abuse effects me still, as I am sure you are too.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. ” I fear that for someone to know me means they will hurt me.”
        Yes! I know exactly what you mean here! And my anger is beginning to seep out more and more. I hate the feeling but I think it has to happen…my therapist tells me this at least. I’m trying to allow myself to feel it. I’m afraid of anger, I’m afraid it makes me like the ones who were cruel to me. I have to work through that.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Anger has its place… when someone does something evil, anger is appropriate. Anger isn’t wrong. It is only what we do with our anger that can be wrong. Being angry when someone harms you is normal. Feeling nothing and protecting them is not normal. All of this is a very confusing part of healing. But it is necessary. Otherwise we turn inward on ourselves. This isn’t easy and probably seems strange to others. It is a process. I don’t think we can feel everything all at once. But in pieces, hopefully it becomes more manageable and not quite as overwhelming.

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        2. I am so very sorry to hear that! When you are in that place, sometimes it is good to trust those who are supporting you. We often get afraid of everything… even what is good for us. Lots of hugs!!!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. An exorcism, “be gone foul demons !” from lamb to lion Blue Sky, so pleased to read your words which tell of your growing strength. “The depraved & evil deserve no quarter and will a brother never be “.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Reading “In Sheep’s Clothing” helped me put these people in perspective. I am surprised this came out of me, but it certainly is much healthier than the way I was feeling before. You are so right… a brother they will NEVER be! Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi
    Nice post! I’ve made a post about battery life so if you have time and will please go and check it out! If you like it pls follow me, I follow you.
    Thank you! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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