As you know, I found a wonderful therapist. She is present with me and she is just what I needed. Therapy is not something I thought I could ever risk doing again. It has been very time consuming and emotionally exhausting. Much harder than I thought it would be.
I discovered quickly that therapy has extended my ability to be vulnerable to its limits. And blogging has been very hard to return to. I risked going to therapy, but I wasn’t prepared to risk beyond that. But I needed to see a psychiatric nurse in order to get medication for my depression. This caused me to have panic attacks every time I left her office. She gave me anxiety medication to use as needed. And so I started to take it whenever I had to see her and this helped a lot. I experience the same thing going to the dentist or seeing a doctor.
I spent months adjusting to the medication, finding the correct dosage, and discovering what it is like to feel more normal emotionally. Through all of this it brought to the forefront the physical anxiety I live with, which my therapist told me has to do with the Complex PTSD. I have always been aware that I carry a great deal of anxiety in my physical body, but it wasn’t until I got help for the depression that I became fully aware of the depths of its grip. The emotional pain was so excruciating that it masked the physical pain.
I believe that the physical anxiety that lingers on has a lot of its roots in my lost memories. I don’t have the memories, but my body carries them very vividly. Whenever I have to see a professional, I am overcome with a deep gripping fear for my life that is felt in my physical body. I feel trapped and in immediate danger. This is something that I don’t have any control over. I have spent a long time hiding the fact that this fear exists. I realize now how this played a huge part, unconsciously, in me isolating myself. I didn’t want to feel this fear. But there really has never been any true escape from it.
Dealing with my own past has also made it difficult to read and respond to many blogs of those struggling with abuse, depression, and PTSD. I am terrified of my lost memories. And reading some blog posts ignite this fear and are triggering for me.
I share this to let you know that if I don’t “Like” or “Comment” on your blog posts, it is not because I am not interested. My therapist advised me not to read posts that create these reactions in me.
Healing is a journey, an unknown journey. None of us know what to expect or what it will be like. I didn’t know that I would feel all of these things. I didn’t know I would face these fears that I have spent so many years running from. I didn’t know that blogging would become so much harder to do.