Where I Am

becoming-yourself

As you know, I found a wonderful therapist. She is present with me and she is just what I needed. Therapy is not something I thought I could ever risk doing again. It has been very time consuming and emotionally exhausting. Much harder than I thought it would be.

I discovered quickly that therapy has extended my ability to be vulnerable to its limits. And blogging has been very hard to return to. I risked going to therapy, but I wasn’t prepared to risk beyond that. But I needed to see a psychiatric nurse in order to get medication for my depression. This caused me to have panic attacks every time I left her office. She gave me anxiety medication to use as needed. And so I started to take it whenever I had to see her and this helped a lot. I experience the same thing going to the dentist or seeing a doctor.

I spent months adjusting to the medication, finding the correct dosage, and discovering what it is like to feel more normal emotionally. Through all of this it brought to the forefront the physical anxiety I live with, which my therapist told me has to do with the Complex PTSD. I have always been aware that I carry a great deal of anxiety in my physical body, but it wasn’t until I got help for the depression that I became fully aware of the depths of its grip. The emotional pain was so excruciating that it masked the physical pain.

I believe that the physical anxiety that lingers on has a lot of its roots in my lost memories. I don’t have the memories, but my body carries them very vividly. Whenever I have to see a professional, I am overcome with a deep gripping fear for my life that is felt in my physical body. I feel trapped and in immediate danger. This is something that I don’t have any control over. I have spent a long time hiding the fact that this fear exists. I realize now how this played a huge part, unconsciously, in me isolating myself. I didn’t want to feel this fear. But there really has never been any true escape from it.

Dealing with my own past has also made it difficult to read and respond to many blogs of those struggling with abuse, depression, and PTSD. I am terrified of my lost memories. And reading some blog posts ignite this fear and are triggering for me.

I share this to let you know that if I don’t “Like” or “Comment” on your blog posts, it is not because I am not interested. My therapist advised me not to read posts that create these reactions in me.

Healing is a journey, an unknown journey. None of us know what to expect or what it will be like. I didn’t know that I would feel all of these things. I didn’t know I would face these fears that I have spent so many years running from. I didn’t know that blogging would become so much harder to do.

 

 

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26 thoughts on “Where I Am

  1. Yes finding the right therapist that you can have a trusting relationship is half the battle. IF other post on other blogs that trigger you means something is not well. If they are to overwhelming then one should not read them until you have done work on yourself to the point where you can visit other post without being triggered. I’m pleased you found a good therapist

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “Dealing with your own past.” I know EXACTLY what you mean. I am finding it extremely difficult to waltz with some. I think that’s why I segued into writing stories. Of course, I’m becoming known for my dark and twisty tales because there is still so much anger there…but I sort of took a page from Stephen Kings’ book of theory…..get your revenge in writing. 😘

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    1. Thank you Laurel! We all have to find our way somehow. I have mostly resorted to sharing videos, books, and quotes that were helpful to me… hoping they will help others too! My husband just asked me if you were the one who wrote a continuing story we followed awhile ago. I said yes, and we both commented to each other that you are a very good writer. I am glad you have found a way to use it as an outlet for yourself. Thank you for letting me know that you understand!

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  3. I feel you and I understand. Sometimes reading other people’s blogs can be triggering. I’m sure when they wrote it wasn’t intentional to trigger someone else’s feelings. They were simply expressing their own traumas. We tend to forget that those things can trigger someone else’s. I’ll admit that I’ve read a few that have made me uncomfortable. AS a matter of fact that may be why people stopped reading my blog when I used to talk about the abuse I went through… who knows. I guess because I felt that I started gearing towards poetry more. But yes, Broken Blue Sky, I do understand where you’re coming from. I gotta new therapist as well and I like her so far too!! Wer’e on the road to getting fixed. Yay!

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    1. I am sure no one who writes about their pain intentionally tries to trigger others. I have been concerned that some of my poetry may be too painful to read. I do understand this. It is hard when you want to be supportive of others, but can’t read their posts. I am sure we are not alone in this. Thank you for your understanding! I hope things continue to go well for you with your new therapist. Finding the right one changes everything. Hugs!

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  4. I really relate to this and to you as I carry so much trauma as body memory that is not always accessible to conscious awareness. I also understand that things read can trigger and sometimes it feels just too painful to face or you absorb the other persons pain if you are highly empathic. Healing and therapy are so much tough work as they involve having to face and feel our pain which I guess is why so many people criticise it… because they lack the courage. Wishing you well and knowing you will find your way especially if you have a good therapist.

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    1. Yes, being highly empathic and carrying trauma as body memory makes it very difficult, especially now that I am trying to face and deal with my own trauma and fears. I am sorry that you are struggling with body memory too. It really does make Dr. Van der Kolk’s book, “The Body Keeps The Score,” very real. Thank you for sharing and for your understanding. I hope you have good support in dealing with your trauma. Having the right therapist makes a huge difference. Thank you!

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  5. It’s good to hear how you are doing. I’ve been thinking about you. I haven’t blogged in many many months. I went through a medicine change and since then have been better able to handle the depression and anxiety. I need to go back to at least say “goodbye” but I keep putting it off. After three years with a good therapist I feel ready to start facing the world again. Just wanted to tell you to keep journeying through. There will be an end to the pain you are in right now.

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  6. Whether you Like or Comment is something for you to determine if it’s okay. I’m just so happy to know you are finding an outlet with a great new therapist. ❤

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  7. I’m proud of you Blue. You’re taking such good care of yourself, getting the help you need. I’m so happy to hear that you found a good therapist. Sending a huge hug, lovely. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Do not worry Blue Sky about other’s posts and comments, just know that this community, your followers, have only one concern, You ! and your continued recovery. We’ll all still be here rooting for you. Keep battling Blue Sky !

    Liked by 1 person

  9. hi blue, i am new to your blog. i am a blogger too. my blog is therapy bits. i have did and complex ptsd and am an abuse survivor i am also blind. i live in ireland. nice to meet you. i hope we can connect and become friends. follow me if you wanna, i’m going to follow your blog too. xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

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