No Escape

No Exit

Why do they call it the past
when it is all still right here today
right in front of me this way?

Is it because they think
healing of trauma is fast
when for me there is no contrast?

Do they really think
we can just wish this all away?

Why do they say
time heals all wounds
when now years later
they have only grown?

Why do they say
the pain will get better
as if they know for sure
when all it does
is make me hide it more?

Why did the abusers
get to live and continue on
unscathed
while my emotions
and memories seethe
as I struggle so much
just to breathe?

Why is it
that time has been like a thief
only making greater
the endless grief?

Why is it
that no one can see
I too hate the pain
deep inside of me?

Why can’t they see
it isn’t as they say
I didn’t ask for my life
to turn out this way?

I didn’t want to live
with such despair
I desperately wanted
someone to care

I didn’t want to live
my life having no one there

I don’t recognize this life
the shrapnel
the chaos
the fear
the pain
and anguish
they left behind

I hate that the abusers
still have so much control
of me this way
that the pain still rises up
inside of me even to this day
and leaves me
not knowing what to say

I never asked
for life to be this way

I had hopes and dreams
once upon a time
I am sure I must have
if only I could remember

I wanted to be happy too
I hated they kept dropping
the other shoe

I wanted to feel joy
I wanted to give so much more
I never wanted to be
treated like I was just a toy

I wanted to be normal
I did
I didn’t want my life
to go on and on this way

I thought if I kept it
safely stuffed away
hidden for no one to see
I would be okay
life would be just fine for me

I too thought I was in control
I too thought my healing
would be so much shorter
I never expected to feel
this endless trauma
hitting me
around every corner!

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23 thoughts on “No Escape

  1. I know the feeling. My trauma is related to bullying which is another form of abuse. I choose to remove myself away from the world and seek solitude. It’s the only way I know how to cope. I’m lucky I have a supportive family who help me get by along with welfare. Those emotional scars run deep.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is so perfectly written and expressed. I thought when I started therapy two years ago that maybe I would need it for a few months. I had no idea what I was in for. There is no end in sight. I know there is so much more to be processed. I no longer even think about how long this healing process will take…it would just make me more upset. It’s a part of my life now. One day at a time. We will get to the other side. Hugs to you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We sometimes fail to realise that the past is now only memories, and the future only anticipation of what is to come;

    All we have is the present.

    I walked that path too. I am almost fully healed, with only a scratch or two remaining. Knowing that the past is gone comfoted me immensely!

    Look back only when you remember te good times, and when you want to look back at all you have overcome!

    Yes, you’ve won! You survived.

    We (your readers) are all rooting for you! Recovery is the last step. Good luck in your journey!

    With warm regards
    Havoc

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Blue, as you try to move forward and to evaluate the good things in your life today and as you try to forget the past which I know is much easier said than done, just know that we are all their to given you love and support and encouragement. Vent as you need to. Luv Gary

    Liked by 1 person

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